A Joke

An elderly couple is lying in bed. It is late and the man in trying to sleep. The woman on the other is feeling a little romantic so she begins to talk.

"Remember when we were first dating? You used to hold my hand all the time."

The man, wanting to get some sleep, reaches out sleepily and holds the womans hand for a short while and then lets go and attempts to go back to sleep.

Meanwhile the old woman still hasn't given up.

"Remember that after holding my hand, you would give me a kiss?"

Getting a bit irritated, the man turns over and hastily plants a quick peck on his wife's cheek and tries to go to sleep again.

The woman continued on.

"Remember how after that, you used to gently nibble on my neck."

Upon hearing this, the man angrily throws the sheets off and proceeds to get up.

Surprised and upset, the woman ask, "Where are you going?"

To which the man replied, "To get my teeth so that I can nibble on your neck."

Sh*tty Post

I was trying to think of something witty to write but all that came to mind was something someone told me recently.

Ever realise that human beings are the only creature on the entire surface of the planet that has to wipe its arse after taking a dump, coz if we don't, we leave fecal matter stuck in the vicinity of the chocolate starfish and this could lead to infections and other unpleasant stuff.

Why does fecal matter get stuck? Unlike most (I was going to say all but I'm not 100% sure) mammals, we have butt cheeks that obscure the opening so anything coming out would have to first squeeze past the butt cheeks before making it to freedom. I wonder why our butts are designed this way?

Any suggestions?

The Tale of 1 Stupid Browser

This is the second time I'm rewritting this coz the browser ate my entry twice in the time span of 15 minutes. It was an entry about how good Opera is compared to Firefox but after it ate my blog twice, I don't think it deserves it anymore.

So here's the gist. Use Firefox if you got the memory to spare. You won't lose half as many blog entries. Use Opera if memory is at a premium, like on my Dell which only has enough to prevent it from keeling over. Just type your blog in MS Word first, then paste it over.

A joke to end this entry.

What did the chicken say when it saw a pig?

Pork, pork, pork, pork, pork (sounds like a chicking clucking).

Somehow this joke works better verbally. Oh well.

Bahloo or Bagheera?

Do any of you ever sit down and look at other people and think the following:

"Damn, I wish I had all my friends from school and uni in the same town. This way, I wouldn't be so bored all the time."

I do.....all the time actually. My life has been like a computer where every few days you need to reboot the computer to prevent it from crashing. Instead of every few days, it's every few year for me.

In some cases, it's just pressing that reset button on the front of the casing. Sometimes, it involves unplugging the power point, taking the battery out and starting all over again.

I've done the major rebooting 3 times in my life so far. The biggest reboot is yet to come but I can already see its shadow in the distance. This is the kind of reboot, where you not only restart your computer, you actually take some stuff out and put some new things inside.

You switch it back on and hope that everything still works. The green light comes on and everything is ok. Sometimes, the green light doesn't come. Instead you get the red light or no light at all.

So far, I've only gotten the green light.

So what does this have to do with the first sentence? Simple, whenever you do a reboot, you lose a lot of your friends and you'll have to start all over again with new friends and hope that within the new bunch of people you meet, there are those few that you can get along well with.

I've been lucky in that each time this has happened, I've met people I've been able to get along with quite well. On the other hand, I've lost friends and lots of them. When you no longer see each other everyday, sometimes, you just start to go down different tangents, knowing that with each passing day, you go further away from each other.

With the big reboot looming in the future, I wonder what the future holds. Will I still be Bahloo or would Bagheera be a better name then?

The Elephant and the Little Boy

Here's a joke I have not forgotten since childhood. It's not the greatest of jokes but I like it so I thought I would share it with everyone. So here goes:

One day, in a vilage in India, a man arrives with an elephant. He lays down a challenge for everyone in the village.

"Whoever can make my elephant trumpet, I will give him 100 dollars."

As expected, everyone tries but no matter what they do, the elephant doesn't make a single sound, not even a whimper. They hit it, they pulled its tail, yanked its ears, they threw water on it. Nothing made the elephant trumpet.

At the end of the day as the man was about to leave, a little boy comes up to him.

"I can make your elephant trumpet"

The man says ok and ask the boy to go ahead, confident that the boy would fail. The boy goes under the elephant and proceeds to squeeze the elephant's ball. Sure enough, the elephant trumpets. Reluctantly, the man gives the boy and the money and leaves.

2 weeks go past and the man returns to the village once again with the same elephant. He presents a new challenge.

"Whoever can make my elephant shake his head, I will give him 400 dollars."

Again, everyone tries everything imaginable but the elephant doesn't shake its head. Confident that his 400 dollars is safe, the man is about to leave when the little boy shows up again.

"I can make you elephant shake its head."

Again the man says ok and lets the boy try, still confident that his money is safe. The boy once again goes under the elephant and stands next to the elephant's balls.

"Do you want me to squeeze your balls again?", the boy ask the elephant.

The elephant shakes its head.

What women want that the bear doesn't have

Was talking with a few of my friends just now and I have to come the realisation that there are a few traits a woman wants in a man that I am sorely missing. So to help all the prospective would be future girlfriends of mine (those that I do not mistake for a midnight snack), here a list of what women want that the bear doesn't have.

1. The bear does not notice what you have done to your hair unless it involves something drastic like cutting half of it off, dyeing it bright pink or green or tying it into buns like Princess Leia. Perms (digital or analog) will not be noticed. Rebonding, unbonding, singeing will not be notice. Unless you are a gadget I'm planning to buy and have done some major comparison shopping, save yourself the time and frustration and just tell what you did to your hair. I don't guess very well.

2. The bear does not do shopping very well. For most days, the thought of shopping drives the bear nuts. Being required to follow someone around, trying to guess if she looks fat in something or not, if this dress is nicer than that dress, are these shoes comfy, does not do wonders for the bears mood. In fact, it could leave you with unwanted bite marks and the missing limb or 2.On some days, which normally occur only once every 6 months or so, the bear is in a good mood and is able to go shopping with you for an extended period of time. Extended in this case meaning 2 to 4 hours. No more. Anymore than that and you get back the bear on non good shopping mood days.

3. Hair. While most bears have plenty of hair all over, this bear isn't one of them. You can thank my genes for that. If anything, this bear has a lack of hair all over, even the top of the head. If you are looking for someone with a healthy head of hair and low IQ, look somewhere else. The bear is of high IQ and low hair. The reason being, the brain needed space to expand so it pushed the hair out to make room.

4. The bear will never understand why you need so many pairs of shoes. We realised that you server an important function by buying shoes. Without you buying shoes, slippers, sandals and various other footwear, whole economies would grind to a halt. People would stay. The world as we know it would end. Having said that, this does not mean that I agree with a woman having over 20 pairs of shoes. Ladies are like men and bears, 2 feet, no more, no less. Unless you are an octopus, why do you need so many pairs of shoes?

So, is there anything else you think the bear is missing that women want? Feel free to comment.

New Year, New Address, New Look

It's a New Year and after some ridiculing early this year from a group of friends as to why I haven't moved the blog to a new address, considering that I've managed to secure the address I wanted in September, I've decided to go ahead an do it.

So I present to you the new BAHLOO, now available at http://bahloo.blogspot.com. The old site is now but a redirector.

As part of the new address, I figure a new look was in order. I think the new look looks a bit more professional and less cluttered. Well, hope you all enjoy it.

Welcome to 2006.

10 Things I Didn't Know Last Year

Inspired by a recent article from the BBC entitled 100 Things You Didn't Know A Year Ago, here's my take on it as a way of saying goodbye to 2005.

10. Even in a clean and wholesome country like Temasek, corruption exist. No one uses the word but it is there. For the best example, please refer to exhibit A: TT Durai and his coterie of accomplices.

9. Men have a devastating effect on women. I've seen friends go from nice good people to depressed moody people all because of a guy. Don't think I need to give examples here as there are plenty all around.

8. Women have a devastating effect on men. I've seen friends (men this time) go all soft and gooey and teary all because a girl dumped him. You know who you are.

7. Flowers and paying special attention to someone do not score you the girl unless she already likes you. Actually I already knew this but I haven't put it to test for a few years until this year.

6. If your parent's try to set you up with someone and you are really obnoxious about it, be careful, retribution will come and the guy will have a damn good laugh with his parent's about it.

5. People who work in the Information System of a certain hospital grouping in Temasek are the dumbest lifeforms on the planet. Words fail to describe the level of idiocy observed in this group.

4. The Land Down Under has the world's most ridiculous approach to battling the war on drugs. If they are not careful, it's going to be druggie world down there sometime soon, if it isn't already.

3. All the so call popular Singapore bloggers, as in those that keep blowing their own horn, are among the most boring bloggers in the world. Which then makes the next day.sg blog aggregator site the ultimate most boring website in the world. Get over yourselves.

2. Certain women have the ability to shave most of the hairs of their legs except for one patch about 4 cm square which they then insist on displaying to whoever walks past. Eeeeew!!!

1. When you are in A Cesspool of Nicompoops, it doesn't really matter what you do because good work is never appreciated. Sucking up apparently goes a long way though. Sheesh!!!

Happy New Year 2006. Here's to discovering more stuff next year.

Once Upon a Time in Temasek

A long long time ago, in a country not so far away, there lived 2 men. They were good friends in university. After university, they both got married and slowly drifted apart. About 30 years, through a chance encounter, they met up and realise that one had a son and the other a daughter of about the same age who were yet to married. Both families thought it would be a good idea for their children to meet.

As both their children lived in Temasek, they needed to wait till both their children return to this country not so far away to arrange a meeting. A time was arranged, when the moon began afresh for the year and the man with the son took his son to visit the man with the daughter.

The strangest thing happen. While the man's son was more than willing to just meet the other man's daughter, this man's daughter refused to come down from the high pedestal which was the second floor of the man's house. The other man's son waited patiently while the man whose daughter and house it was, along with his wife, tried their best to coax his daughter of her high horse.

After many moons, when it became painfully obvious that the daughter would not come down, the man and his son left. The man, whose daughter it was, was very disappointed and so was his wife. Nothing more was thought of it by the other man and his son.

Fast forward the story 11 moons. The son, who is working in the island of Temasek, in an effort to expand his social circle (and also because of the constant coaxing from a close associate), engages the help of a professional friend maker to increase the number of friends he has. Unbeknowst to him, the daughter of the other man had also enlisted the help of the same professional friend maker for the same reason.

A meeting was arranged between the 2, without anyone realising the events of 11 moons past. The daughter and son met over a meal. From the word go, the son realised that this was a women he would not get along with. There was a snobbish air about her that was replusive. Little did the daughter know that this was the same person she was suppose to meet 11 moons ago.

They chatted as you would over dinner and said their goodbyes at the end. The son deciding that that would be the last she evers hears of him. On his way him, he sends a pigeon to his mother, telling her about the dinner that just ended. It was via the pigeon messages that he realise who the girl he just had dinner with was.

He start laughing. His mother start laughing and so does his father. To save the face of the other man as he was the son's father's good friend, they decided not to inform the other family about what had just transpired in the small island of Temasek.

The moral of the story is:
If you decide not to come downstairs, make sure you don't end up meeting the same guy again 11 moons later through a professional friend maker and end up with the guy thinking you are a snobbish fool.

A Tale of 2 Mice

Today I turn 29 and to be frank, it was the best 29th birthday a guy could get. Whoever wrote that it is the thought that counts hit the nail of the head. Of course, getting a great present helps a lot.....and did I get a great present!!!



My birthday present in broad daylight.



My birthday present with the lights off.

From the surprise on Saturday in Seremban to the dinner last night to the present today, it has truly been a memorable birthday. Thank you all very very much.

Meet the Liquefier

Monday I was hot stuff. Tuesday, I discovered a new skill. I'm the liquefier. Anything that goes into me, no matter how hard, tough or otherwise, gets liquefied within a matter of minutes. No blender could do a better job than I have been able to do the whole of Tuesday. After performing this act more times than I dare to remember, I am now completely pooped (pardon the pun). Makes me wonder what's worse and harder to do. Burning stuff or liquefying stuff?

PS. There are 161 tiles on the floor of my toilet.

I'm Hot Stuff

Today, the bear is officially hot stuff. Went to visit the doctor earlier today coz was feeling like shit (and looking like it too, if you asked some people). Had my temperature taken and the termometer read 39.3 C. Doctor has this look on her face. The kind of look that goes, "What? You waiting to lose a limb before coming to see me?". I got 3 days MC. Oh well, something good has come out of it after all.

Nostalgia Rules The Day

Argh!!! This is the 2nd time I'm typing this post because the first got eaten by the back button. Let this be a lesson. Save. Save. Save.

Anyway, like I was saying before.....I've reached an age where I believe I'm allowed to be nostalgic (i.e. I'm old enough that I actually have more stuff to be nostalgic about than the available time over a weekend would allow.)


First of all, today I built myself an iPod dock out of Lego. This is like the first time I've built something not displayed on the Lego box in about 15 years. It's been a long time since I've tried to built something from scratch out of Lego. Admittedly, I no longer have as many pieces as I used to. I think I made a pretty decent job of it. It's still a work in progress, so I might add some stuff at a latter date....for now, it does it's job of saving me $60 and buying a real dock.

Also, Channel 5 decided to be nostalgic and broadcasted 2 movies today. Both were movies I enjoyed as a kid, one I'm not embarrassed to say I liked, the other I am a bit embarrassed to say I liked.

The first was Goonies. I have to admit, that from my point of view, this movie has aged well. Seeing after so many years (I first watched it when I was 10), I found I was still able to sit and watch the entire movie. Few movies nowadays grab my attention for more than 20 minutes.

The second was Power Rangers the Movie. This one hasn't aged so well. In fact, I actually cringed a little when I was watching this today. I guess I had less refined taste as a kid. The soundtrack is pretty good though.

While both movies had pretty corny dialogue, the Power Rangers had to be at least 10 times cornier than Goonies. It funny to think that an adult actually thought that "Go go Power Rangers" was an acceptable line to put in a script. Oh well!

Anyhow, nostalgia is good and all but I think it's time to return to the present.

Fat People are the Lorries of the Swimming Pool

Have you ever been almost or actually pushed of the road and onto the muddy or sandy road shoulder because some huge lorry is coming the other way and is taking up way more road than they are rightfully allowed too? I think the answer would be yes.

I have always thought that this phenomen only happens on the roads, where the rule of size (irrelevant of what the traffic police says) always wins out.

"I'm a big lorry. You are a puny car. You get OUT of my way."

Well, sadly, this rule also applies in the swimming pool. I've experienced it first hand. It was suppose to be a nice swim but turn out otherwise. This person who is severely gravitationally enhanced, i.e. fat like a whale, decided that he was going to swim along the same lane as me. Bear in mind that the pool was crowded so this lane had about 3 other people in it including me.

So guess what happens next, he doesn't move out of the way. Doesn't even try to give way. Just swims in a damn straight line and damn slowly too. Ever climb up a mountain on a single lane road stuck behind a lorry. That's what it felt like. It was even worse if you were coming head on. It was either move out of the way or get run (swum) down by this tub of lard.

Don't get me started on the size of his swimtrunks. Given his size, they were miniscule. It was gross. Fat was flopping all around everywhere. I'm a bear and bears have a decent amount of fat so if a bear gets grossed out at this sight, it was BAD.

So the next time you are in the pool and see a tub of lard in really small trunks about to go take a swim, do the right thing. Call your local aquarium and tell that that they lost a whale and should come retrieve it immediately.

Nomination for worse movie of the year

This year would be the year where the science fiction movies are so deep into fiction, you would be hard pressed to find any science in there.

The first one that comes to mind is Stealth. That movie was such a travesty to science that even Popular Science wrote an article saying what a load of crap that was. I guess it would help if there was a cute chick/great acting/decent story in the movie somewhere but there isn't. The action sucked. The acting sucked more and the plot made Swiss Cheese look solid. Jamie Foxx got lucky. His character gets killed off within the first 30 minutes of the movie. (Probably coz he's black and therefore can't be the hero.)

The second movie that makes even Stealth look good is A Sound of Thunder. I won't go into how bad this movie is. Suffice to say, I watched and felt like my IQ just went down by 50% by the end of the movie.

Attack of the Zzzzz Monster

As I sit here, after lunch,
Staring at an LCD,
I feel it coming,
Lurking, waiting,
It pounces,
I'm aware but can do nothing,
I get very very sleepy,
The Zzzzz strikes again.

Faith

I read somewhere that when God closes a door on you, somewhere he opens another. I think I've just been through such an experience. Nothing happens without reason. There is no such thing as coincidence. Everything happens for a reason, you just need to keep the faith and don't give up.

A Quiet Seething Rage

Have you ever hated someone so much that the very sight of them makes your blood boil? That you need no reason to justify this hatred. You just know that you hate the person and you want this person to burn forever in the eternal fires of hell.

I know what that feels like. Mention this persons name to me and I seeth with rage inside. No loud voices, no rude words, just a cold quiet seething rage. A rage so bad, that if left unchecked could lead to terrible things.

Anyway, on a lighter note.....there is no lighter note. This is one damn angry rant.

The Hypocrisy of September

September is the start of the financial year for the firm I work for. September also happens to be the one month in the entire year that I totally despise my bosses. Why? It is because, this is the month they are on full hypocrite mood.

- They pretend to be your best friend.
- Suddenly show an interest in the work you have been doing for them
- Make you coffee (Ok, I'm making this one up. In 100 years, I don't think my boss would ever make me coffee.)
- Want to talk to you face to face, when for most part of the years, she can't even remember your name.
- HR tells you that you need to go see your boss coz she knows she's being ignoring her minions (underlings, slaves, whatever rocks your boat.) and would like to make a change .

I could go on. Suffice to say, I don't like my firm in September.

PS. Now that I think about it, it's about the same things in August too. Just less of the ignoring and wanting to make a change nonsense. I think I'm not going like my firm in August too.

The idiosyncrasies of Work

Just a few things I've been pondering about.....mostly concerning work but a couple of other weird stuff too.

We live a world where speaking is becoming passe. No one seems to talk anymore. The preferred means of conversation nowadays are instant messaging, SMS and blogging.

• If you wanted to ask someone if they were free for dinner, you don't call them. You sent them a text message.
• Want to ask your colleague who sits directly opposite you a question? You don't get up and walk over and ask him or her. Nope! That's too much effort. Send an instant message.
• Want to complain to the whole world about something, blog about it. (Yes, I do realise the irony of that statement.)

I foresee a world in the future where man has forgotten how to talk. We just text everyone.

Notice how as people get older, they get more paranoid? I wonder if this also applies to governments. The older the government get, the more paranoid they become. Everything is suddenly a threat to them. An elected president is a danger so what do they do? Make sure the elected president is not elected. What do you have? The non-elected elected president. Hooray!!! Democracy lives on.

People don't care about politics anymore. The only people who care are the politicians and Michael Moore. For the rest of us out there, it doesn't matter who's up there. It's just going to be the same sh*t in a different flavour. More people were upset that there wasn't a public holiday than the fact that they didn't get to vote for a new president again.

Manners seem to be going down the drain. It's flu season or at least the time of the year when everyone seems to be getting sick. There's a lot of coughing and sneezing but not enough of mouth closing when sneezing. They must be thinking, "Gee, I already work in a hospital. I guess a few million more germs in the air wouldn't hurt. Helps nearby." Maybe it's worse, "It is my right to sneeze with my mouth open and darn it, I will do it even if it kills the guy sitting next to me."

Guess it didn't end up being all about work. If you have an issue with that, text me. I don't think my tongue works anymore.